Below is a letter that I wrote to Jackson shortly after what would have been his 7th birthday. If you haven’t read Our Story, Jackson was our first son who passed away before he was born. Jackson was diagnosed in utero with Trisomy 18, which is a life-threatening chromosome abnormality. He was fitted with his angel wings on November 17th, 2008.
4/25/16
April 21st, 2009. That was the day you were supposed to be born. You would have just turned 7. You would be in 2nd grade. I would have taught you how to ride a bike. We might have gotten you a dog. But I guess there was a different plan for you. After all of these years, I still have no answers; still filled with so many questions.
“Everything happens for a reason.” At least that is what they say. But why this? What was the purpose of this? Why were you given a genetic defect that made you “incompatible with life”? Are we being punished for something? What did you do to deserve this?
The only answer that makes any sense to me is that this was meant to teach us that life is precious and fragile. We must live every day to its fullest. Live. You had to die to teach us to live? That doesn’t seem fair. You didn’t have a chance to experience even the simplest things in life. Being held by your mommy and daddy; a little kiss on the forehead; a warm summer breeze across your face; the smell of a freshly cut lawn; the sound of a thunderstorm; playing in the snow. All these things that we take for granted. You didn’t even get a chance to experience any of it.
When we found out how sick you were, your mommy and daddy were heartbroken. We cried for a long time. Even writing this seven years later, I find myself tearing up a little bit. Words cannot express how I felt knowing that you didn’t have a chance and there was nothing I could do about it. I went through so many emotions that after a while I think I just went numb. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I wanted to go to sleep hoping this was just a bad dream and everything would be okay when I woke up. Unfortunately this was not a nightmare; this was real.
I sincerely hope you know how much we love you and that you understand why we made the decision we did. The choice we made was not an easy one. We ultimately decided, as hard as it was, that we didn’t want you to live your short life suffering. So we chose to set you free. Every time I see a butterfly, I wonder if it’s you stopping by for a visit. As a matter of fact, I am in the process of putting together a butterfly garden for you so you have a place to hang out whenever you are in the area.
Love you,
Daddy
XOXO